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Many Faces of Man
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“…let’s hook up somewhere and exchange some f*ck faces…”
Man do I love that line.
The great poet laureates and vocal mosaicists, Rude Boys, sang their way into our hearts and minds in 1991 with their only huge hit, “It’s Written All Over Your Face.” Yes, it was in the face.
Now far be it from me to over-extend their intentions to general male-dom as their song was about how much a woman with style and class cares for them without need for even the slightest of utterances. I mean, it was written all over her face. She didn’t have to say a word.
(By the way, that “written all over her face” totally sounds like a pr0n series.)
All she had to do was smile four times. Apparently that was better than any words she probably EVER said.
If you think about it that’s a pretty misogynistic statement. It references the old adage, be seen and not heard. Not coincidentally, my Uncle Unk, a slick talking pimp, put that up as the only rule in his brothel.
Gar.
I’ve gotten off track. Forgive me.
Ah yes, the face.
Now, I’ve been told time and time again that my face gives me away. And it’s true. If I think that you are a cucumberesque whiskey trollop, you will probably know quite quickly. If I think that every word you say is akin to a squirrel pooing on a horse that’s pooing, you will know. But those faces are unintentional.
What about the intentional faces? What say you? What are intentional faces? Glad you asked.
I think that nearly all men have certain game-faces, if you will, that we take into certain situations. Today, allow me to share with you a few faces that I think many of us are aware of, but don’t think of very often.
1) The Pregnancy Face
I contend that most men don’t even realize that they have this face (okay, maybe this one isn’t intentional per se). This is the face that shows up when the woman either says, “I’m late” or “I’m pregnant”. I think that the depth of the relationship with the woman will determine which sentence you hear first. Anyway, this face, is usually the most honest face a man will make in his life. It either says, “HOLY RUSTED METAL BATMAN!!?! I don’t even know your last name” or it says “REALLY? I get to be a daddy?!?!” Simply, lady it’s either going to make you cry for joy or make you violent. It’s also one of those faces that every man does different but all with the same outcome.
By the way, if dude has absolutely NO expression on his face, there’s a good chance that he’s asleep when you tell him. Wake him up first.
2) The Break-Up Face
Now all men have one of these in the arsenal. I used mine at least 45 times in one week once. It’s got a steely resolve, though it usually starts out with some kind of remorse, almost as if to beckon the woman to find out what’s troubling the man. But once Pandora’s box has been opened, the man will go into George Bush mode. What’s that? It’s the mode that says, “Good or bad, I’m making this decision but I still want you to like me so perhaps I can still flirt with you and play with your frog. And keep your shoes beeeeyotch”
You probably don’t have a frog. Or do you? Maybe you don’t even know that you have one. Frogs are fun.
Class act.
3) The Withdrawn and Emotionless Face
This is the face that we menfolks breakout when we completely hate whatever it is that you’ve a) said, b) suggested, or c) forced us to do. You want us to play Hopscotch Tea Time with a Soda on The Side. We’ll do it, but we’ll give you a face that says, “I kind of hate you right now, but you won’t know it. I’ll just piss you off by making the same face that I made when you cooked that I made when you thought you were putting in “work”’. If your dude has one universal face for all of those, just know that he’s probably just praying he doesn’t need the Pregnant Face because he has every intention of using his Break-Up Face.
Woosah.
These are but a mere smattering of the many faces that men possess. What other faces have you witnessed and women, what are the faces YOU dagger back at us menfolks?
(I imagine every woman has 576 versions of the “fine” face – you know that face that says that you’re “fine” but really means that you can’t believe your dating us? I love that face.
Face is good. Heh heh heh.)